The Test

I LIKE TO THINK of myself as non-judgmental and accepting of everyone. Having said that, I do have a secret test that I administer before I grant a person admission into my elite circle of buddies.

At some point on tour (usually in the beginning), I like to perform the test, and so far no one has failed. Thankfully. This is probably because I've been blessed by the road gods with lovely bands and amazing tours.

The test is simple.

Simply play one of these songs at full volume, and if the person in question does NOT sing along or appear to know what it is, de-friend him or her immediately. Done.

1. GOLD SOUNDZ/RANGE LIFE - PAVEMENT

I realize that I may be called a music snob for this, but if you've never heard Pavement, I cannot call you my friend. These two jams, both off of Pavement's 1994 record Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain are perfect for singalongs about being drunk in the August sun, talking about how foxy Scott Weiland is and dissing the Smashing Pumpkins. Choose one, crank it up, and if the van stays silent, you might as well jump out and hitch a ride back to civilization.

2. ANYTHING OFF OF WEEZER'S PINKERTON

What's that? You think Weezer still exists? Like, as a respectable band? Have you been living under a lamestream rock? Pinkerton is the last decent record that Rivers Cuomo & co. released. Any track off this record is a viable option for the test. If your van-mates try to say that they prefer that song "Island In The Sun," which was the theme for that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen film, RUN. If they attempt to talk about that Red album, run even faster. Any talk of post-Pinkerton-era Weezer is unacceptable, unless you are wondering what Rivers has been smoking for the past fifteen years. Singing about shredding the cello and Japanese penpals who write on pretty stationary is encouraged, and will ensure you are surrounded by good peeps.

3. WAITING ROOM - FUGAZI

This is a crowd pleaser, and if the person in question hasn't heard it, you're fucked. An obvious choice when it comes to Fugazi, but sometimes I forget not everyone grew up listening to Minor Threat. You can throw on the song "Merchandise," which is a close second when it comes to Fugazi songs people love, and if finger pointing does not ensue, you know who you're dealing with. (Lamestream.)

4. SLEATER-KINNEY, BIKINI KILL, AND/OR TEAM DRESCH

If I want to make sure I'm in a safe environment, I play Riot Grrl music. If any variation of the term "angry woman" gets thrown around, peace out forever.

What songs you would use as a test before opening your personal velvet rope for a friendship?

Work It Grrl.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT part deux:

When I'm not on tour, I work in fashion. Sometimes I wind up doing things that aren't in my job description, such as filling in for the photographer when she calls out sick.

Here's style blogger/model Arielle resting before our shoot.

WURQ those Litas, girl. Tyra (and Ru) would be so proud.

Tour Your Heart Out. Honoring Danny Bobis 1979-2011

Here is Danny (far right) on tour with his band Cipher.

IT'S NO SURPRISE that some of my favorite people have, at some point, been on tour. There's a unique sense of wanderlust and a punk rock spirit that is required to be an adult and live out of a van for the sole purpose of playing music. These are my people.

I first met Danny in college in 1999. I had seen him at punk/hardcore shows on Long Island prior to that, but had never spoken to him. Danny had this cool surf dude demeanor mixed with a Long Island accent and hip hop influenced vocabulary. If Danny were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, he would be Michelangelo. In addition to being a brilliant surfer, Danny was also a black belt in karate. AND he knew how to tear it up on a skateboard. Can you see why I was intimidated?

Once we started hanging out, Danny introduced me to new music including independent hip hop. He made me a mix tape featuring Aesop Rock, Sole, Buck 65 and Sage Francis, and explained how it was different than mainstream hip hop, and how THAT was different from Gang Starr and Common. Homeboy gave me a crash course in hip hop and helped me appear to have way more street cred than I deserved.

Danny was the first person who I ever ate Indian food with. I have a white girl palate with very low tolerance for spice. At that point, I was also an unadventurous vegetarian who existed on burritos and tofu hot dogs. When I saw an "eggplant vindaloo" on the menu, I ordered it because it was the first vegetarian option that jumped out at me. Danny failed to warn me that vindaloo is quite possibly the most spicy dish in all of Indian cuisine. One bite and three pints of water later, I was certain Indian food wasn't for me. It took me about 5 years and a move to the UK, but I have finally discovered the wonder that is Tikka Masala and Korma. Thank you, Danny.

Our time spent in Albany is a blur of dorm room parties, shows and hanging out at Bombers. Danny went to Australia on a study abroad program, and when he came home convinced me that I had to do a semester abroad before graduation. I'll never forget his excitement when he told me that he had seen actual wombats. Though Australia didn't offer the program for me, I did wind up applying for a study abroad in Glasgow, Scotland which changed the course of my entire life. He gave me the courage to branch out and see the world, and for that I am forever grateful.

After we both graduated, Danny and I would see each other intermittently. I moved (back) to the UK and he became a high school math teacher. I loved hearing stories about his students and how enthusiastic he was about actually relating to them. If I had Danny as a teacher in high school, I would have done better in math. "Yo, there's this kid in my class named Anup. Pronounced Anoop. I call him Anup Dogg," he explained, flashing his signature massive grin. No wonder his students stalked him on My Space. Have you ever had a teacher who participated in extreme sports, used teenage-approved lingo and played in a hardcore band? Me neither.

It was during this time that he met Rachel, the love of his life. I will always remember the genuine elation in his face when he told me about her. Rachel is the type of person who you meet once and feel as if you've known her forever. I knew they were a perfect match.

Danny passed away last week. He was surfing in Indonesia, and the elements were harsh. The outpouring of love that I have witnessed over the past two weeks is a testament to the fact that he was an immensely influential, genuinely kindhearted, passionate person. He continues to inspire me as I think back on our friendship and the positivity that simply radiated off of him.

Danny and I exchanged emails fairly often when I was living abroad. I leave you with an email that I received from him when I was being a hobo and backpacking through Europe. His free-spirited nature and positive outlook was something that helped me to believe in myself and my transient yet happy life at the time, even when the world was telling me it was time to grow up and settle down.

what up girlie pop.
glad to hear of your travels..
happen to be on the same tip my self..
i´m in puerto escondito mexico (southern pacific coast) where the weather is hot as fuck and the waves are
huge as fuck....
i´m here for a month and i fucked my self up big time no day 6.
i ruptured my ear drum pretty bad...not a pleasant thing...
i have lost hearing temporarily from my right ear and have been bleeding and oozing fluid from my
head for the last 4 days...im trying to think positive but its hard...its also hard to comunicate wit hthe spanish
speaking doctors...crazy shit...what an experience...waves here have been up to like 15 feet...
well anyway yea i´m with my friend mike..he got hurt too but only 3 stitches in his chin...they stitched it with
fishing line so he can still surf...hahaha
that bastard...so yeah otherwise shit is ill here...slow moving pace..good food and nice people..
lots of euro backpackers and hippie types too..but mostely surfers and local mexicans...
everything is dirt cheap too...we have a nice place we rented right on the beach..
so i´ve just been reading and doing some yoga and practicing my spanish....could be worse but its really
dissappointing...maybe i´ll be back in the water in a week with ear plugs..we´ll see what the doctora says..
so yeah...i´ve been killin time in the internet cafe obviously...
keep having a blast in europe...eff the naysayers cause you are livin life the right way..
peace and love girlie pop

danny

There are few people in this world who embrace each day the way my friend Danny did. He serves as a reminder that we should all live our lives to the fullest, see the brightest side of everything and drive around blasting Slayer every once in awhile, just for the hell of it. Play in a band, go on tour, never let go of your interests. Eff the naysayers. Right?

Rest in peace, Danny. You will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Girlie pop.

Letters & Sodas

Little known fact: Even though I go on tour with dudes in bands, I am also a musician of sorts. One day I'll post photos of myself from high school with pillarbox red hair, wearing baby barrettes and a Hole tee-shirt (seriously wish i still had that shirt), performing an acoustic version of "Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair at a local coffee shop open mic night.

Now I perform acoustic versions* of Lemonheads songs for my friends abroad via Skype.

Sometimes I even wear vintage floor-length hippie dresses with bell sleeves when doing so.

Would Courtney Love be proud?

*custom lefty harmony hollywood guitar c. 1950s. jelz?

Intimidating.

ONCE UPON A TOUR, at a gig in Chicago, my friend Hannah who lives there came to keep me company at the merch table. Paul, a member from the support band PS I Love You was also selling merch, but didn’t seem like the type of dude who wanted to talk to us about the Alexander Wang sale at Barney’s or the paintings of Sam Prekop. You know, the usual banter between two girls who haven’t seen one another in 9 months.
The next morning I was alerted to this tweet from shy merch/band dude:

@psiloveyouband The @sunairway merch selling team is intimidating. They could sell me anything #merchtablestories

Oh, Paul! Intimidating? How about “loquacious” ? “charming” ? “pleasantly barn bossy” ?
Thinking of starting a merch girl business where the tag line would be “We could sell you anything.” Need someone to sell your hand-drawn band logo beer bottle openers or band trademarked rolling papers? Done!

P.S. I (don't really) LOVE YOU (yet) Paul, call me! Let’s go for a drink and I can prove to you that I’m at least 99% less intimidating than the woman at the top of this post.

Practice

i lived out of that backpack for two months solid. it was good practice for tour life.

2004ish, somewhere in eastern (or western? southern?) europe.

Home

tour essentials: a list (part I)

ARE YOU PLANNING on going on tour for the first time? Are you wondering what to bring? Have you been on tour before but always forget what you might need on the road? I have! This prompted me to compile a list of items that are almost always going to become essential at some point on your journey. In no particular order, here they are:

Sleeping bag, pillow and towel

The pillow will be your best friend in the van, whether it's for sitting on, separating the seat space between you and a fellow passenger, screaming into, or actually sleeping. The sleeping bag will be great if, say, the band you're traveling with has a penchant for camping in cold climates. Additional uses: when you have to share a hotel bed with someone or sleep on the floor of a punk house in San Diego. (Check, check.) You want your own towel because you might be sneaking 6 people into a hotel room that has 2 towels. You do the math.

Anti-bacterial hand lotion

Bring 3 or 4 bottles of this stuff, and it still won't be enough.

Dryer sheets

Before you embark, pack a ziplock bag full of the best smelling dryer sheets you can find. You will be amazed at how quickly your bag starts to smell on tour. Slowly distributing them into your luggage over the course of the trip should keep things somewhat civil in there.

Dry shampoo

Guess what? 99% of time time, you won't be able to have a shower every single day on tour. Dry shampoo such as this one will make your hair a least appear clean as you roll into a new city after the aforementioned camping sojourn.

Flat shoes and a pair of sneakers

Hahah! Hahahah!!! Those of you who know me can stop laughing now. I didn't bring one pair of heels with me on my first tour, and it was the best decision I've ever made. After the first night of dragging gear in and out of the venue, I didn't even miss my heels. At the last minute, I swapped a pair of uncomfortable oxfords for classic Chuck Taylors, and thank heavens for that, because can you imagine yours truly running around a campsite in the Black Hills of South Dakota in vintage ankle boots? (Don't answer that.)

A journal, fashion magazines, your laptop with DVDs, and an iPod

Keep a tour diary because it's amazing how quickly you will forget everything that happens. Bring fashion mags because they will remind you that there are other clothes out there than the 10 dresses, 3 tops, and one pair of jeans you brought. Bring your laptop with DVDs so that you can watch episodes of Daria or Twin Peaks in the van and keep up with style blogs. Bring an iPod so you can have an excuse for ignoring boy banter or save yourself from hearing podcasts about cults, sports, Nazis and the epidemic of Tasmanian devil face tumors. (Don't click that if you want to eat another meal this week.)

Camera

When will you ever be back in Grand Rapids, Michigan or see another sunset in Montana? When you get home, you're going to want photographic evidence of some of places you went and things that you did. I have no recollection of actually being at Mount Rushmore, but I have photos so I know it happened! Plus, you can show tour photos to your children some day to prove to them that you used to be kind of hip.

Earplugs, duct tape and a sleep mask

I'm not suggesting you start moonlighting as Dexter, but these items are particularly necessary. Earplugs are great for the gigs at night and help drown out snoring band members. Duct tape is oddly useful for anything and everything, such as repairing a broken camera case. Oh yeah, and for the merch table. You know, the job you might have been hired to do. Sleep masks might make you look like a princess, but when you get 3 hours of sleep and have a 10 hour drive ahead of you, blocking out the glaring sun is a complete luxury and seemingly turns the van into a five-star hotel.

Sunglasses. At least 3 pairs.

You will have dark circles. Deal with it. Bring a classic pair of Ray-Bans, giant oversized obnoxious ones, and maybe a heart-shaped pair just for fun, you know!? You're on tour, it's not like you have to be business casual. Bonus: Cashiers in random Whole Foods locations will say things like "I see someone's having a rock star moment today!" (This happened to me on a particularly hungover day.)

A small mirror, hair cutting scissors, and a small bottle of your favorite perfume

The mirror is great for applying makeup in the van, which you will be doing a lot. Scissors to trim bangs, if yours are anything like mine and grow at an abnormally fast rate. You can tuck the perfume in your bag and hide a multitude of unshowered sins.

Clothing for every time zone/weather pattern and underwear for every day

Obviously it depends where and what time of year you go, but tights are a must. Layering is key. If you're going coast to coast, you can bet that you will need warm weather clothes in Southern California and a coat at all times apart from the summer in the Northeast. Laundry is sort of a luxury on tour, so I packed enough underwear for every single day. Excessive? Perhaps. But I never had to worry about finding a laundromat at 2am in rural Iowa.

Snacks

What's that? You guys are stopping for McRibs again? Cool, I'll just chill here and eat my almonds, gluten free cereal, and granola bars.

Diva Cup

If there are any dudes reading this, please stop now. Ladies, I cannot praise the Diva Cup enough. It's completely safe and you can leave it in for 10 hours at a time. Buy this and you will never look back. Pinky swear.

Lipstick

People are nicer to you when you wear lipstick. FACT. I once had an argument with another feminist about this revelation of mine, but she lost. It's the truest truth there is.

PHEW THAT WAS LONG. I hope this list helps you when you are preparing for your next tour adventure. Am I forgetting anything? What would you want to bring with you on tour?

big beardy men

HEY SJS! How are you? I think I'm in NYC 22nd/ 23rd of Sept playing. Are you around? Would be great to see you. I keep seeing photos of you on facebook with big beardy men with tatts, are you still doing merch?
R X

-A tour inquiry from my dear friend Roxanne of the dreamy, shoegaze-tastic band Veronica Falls.

check out their video here!

Tiny Dancer

AN ODE TO one of my favorite tour films. still waiting on my "tiny dancer" singalong moment.

Excess Baggage

Diane von Furstenberg suitcase full of shoes, desperate for a spot in the van.

Question

Question: Would you rather have 20 dogs who follow you around everywhere, or one juggalo?

In the end, Patrick chose the juggalo.

Take a picture, it will last longer.

Things that made me smile on my last tour (taken with my iphone):

Waking up to this endearingly bromantic scene in a hotel room in Atlanta, beautiful landscape in the Black Hills of South Dakota, a candy floss cloud in San Francisco.